You Are the Answer

Survivor, you are creative, resourceful, and whole. It may not feel like it sometimes, but you have the ability to find your own answers and tap into your own innate wisdom. The world may try to tell you otherwise, but you are the expert on your own experience. You are unique and there is no one who has lived the exact same things as you have. Better than anyone, you know what you need and what you want to create an abuse-free life that fulfills you.

Sometimes, after a grief or loss experience, we just want to find a way out. We want a quick fix, a foolproof solution, a series of steps that we can follow to get from where we are to where we want to be.  That’s completely natural. It’s hard to be in pain and it can be tough to keep going when all you can think of is how much you want that emotional, mental, spiritual, and social pain you’ve been carrying to end. In this space, it can be tempting to start thinking that “the answer” is out there somewhere and that, if someone would just tell us what to do, we could work hard, check off the boxes, and feel whole again.

I know that’s what I certainly thought at the beginning of my journey. I followed all of the “rules” to the letter. I did everything that I was “supposed” to do. I set my mind to it and checked off every box with determination. But I still didn’t feel any better. I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. How is this possible?! I thought to myself. I did everything I was supposed to do. Why am I not feeling any better?

In that moment, I realized that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving and healing. I realized that there wasn’t “an answer” – only my answer. Only I could find my way. Only I could truly create my own, deep healing. Only I could find my way back to myself and to happiness again.

For me, books were some of the greatest sources of inspiration on my healing journey and they helped me cobble together my own unique approach. Today, I’d like to share ten (10) amazing titles that you might like to explore on your own journey as you continue creating the fulfilling, abuse-free life you so deserve.

Why Does He Do That? (Lundy Bancroft)

Written by a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men, this is an excellent resource for survivors who want to deeply understand the dynamics of domestically abusive relationships as well as the mindset of abusers themselves. Twenty-one common questions regarding abusive partners are explored in this book and many stories and practical pieces of advice are included. The Process of Change chapter provides helpful guidelines for assessing abusers’ claims of change and determining whether they are truly engaging in the hard work required.

It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence (Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger Hock)

As many survivors of domestic abuse soon discover, finding a way out of the relationship is not the final chapter of their story, but often the beginning of a challenging journey towards healing and happiness. This gem of a book offers “practical guidance, emotional reassurance, and psychological awareness” to help survivors reclaim themselves and reclaim their lives. The worksheets in each chapter are second to none!

Surviving Domestic Violence: A Guide to Healing Your Soul and Building Your Future (Danielle Wozniak and Karen Allen)

This amazing resource was written on the premise that, as a survivor, “your life from here on out should be about more than just getting by.” With a compassionate, holistic, and encouraging approach, Wozniak and Allen present a range of activities that can help you reclaim your power, be the hero of your story, and create an exciting and inspiring vision of what lies ahead for you. There is something for everyone in this resource, no matter where you are in your grieving and healing process or which activities tend to resonate with you the most. A must-read!

Understanding Your Grief (Alan Wolfelt)

While this resource was written to support those who have experienced the death of a loved one, many of the ideas presented in the book are also relevant for survivors of domestic abuse. Not to be missed are the sections about misconceptions about grief, the Ten Self-Compassionate Principles, and appreciating your transformation. There is also a companion journal to this book that contains many interesting writing prompts.

The Gifts of Imperfection (Brené Brown)

This modern classic from Brené Brown explores ten (10) guideposts for wholehearted living. This is an insightful yet fast read for survivors who are looking for more courage, compassion, and connection in the abuse-free lives they are creating. Read this book and I guarantee that you will leave feeling worthy.

Start Where You Are (Meera Lee Patel)

This beautifully designed self-exploration journal asserts that “every answer is inside you.” In addition to inspirational quotations, this journal includes activities like creative writing, drawing, and list making that create opportunities for you to reflect on your journey, appreciate where you are, and feel excited about where you are going.

How to Be Happy – Or at Least Less Sad (Lee Crutchley)

This great little book is a springboard for tapping into your inner wisdom and rediscovering all of those things that bring a little or a lot of happiness into your life. Written in practical, honest language, this creative workbook invites you to draw, write, experience, and reflect your way towards brighter days.

My Future Listography: All I Hope to Do in Lists (Lisa Nola)

This is a great resource for reconnecting with your authentic self and all of the dreams you have for your future. Without a doubt, the lists you make in this book will encourage you to look to the future with excitement, enthusiasm, and confidence!

Soul Coaching (Denise Linn)

Looking to clear and cleanse the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of your life? If so, Denise Linn’s four-week Soul Coaching program may be for you! The program allows you to choose your own adventure, undertaking any or all of the actions presented for a given day based on your needs, interests, and energy levels. Drawing inspiration from the elements, you’ll have an opportunity to try a wide range of activities and see what has the greatest impact for you.

Let It Out (Katie Dalebout)

This wonderful collection of journaling exercises has something for everyone and is guaranteed to leave with you some tough decisions about which activity to try next! The journaling prompts can also be used as springboards for other modes of creative expression and instructions are also provided for those who would like to develop their own journaling tools from scratch.

As Heather Plett says, “trust that you have some wisdom in you to work through this and to transform it, give it some shape or meaning in your life, and to be a meaning seer and meaning finder…the process that will emerge that needs to emerge.” Believe in yourself, survivor! Everything you need is already within you. Forge your own unique path forward, knowing that you are a meaning seer, meaning finder, and can create the life you’ve always imagined.

The Summer of You

Okay, I know it’s only the end of April. But doesn’t it almost seem like summer? For me, this is the time of year when I love looking out of the window, when I love being outside, and when I am awed by the colours and the landscape – the green grass, the blue sky, the shining sun, and the soft breezes in sultry places. All of these little things invigorate me and instantly boost my morale. No matter how difficult the winter has been, I always find myself somehow living for summer and the promise that more good things are coming my way.

And so it goes with life. No matter how deep and cold the winters of my life have been, especially when adjusting to the end of the abusive relationship and taking the first steps on my grieving and healing journey, I have always believed that I have what it takes to get to the next summer in my life.

The winters of our lives can be tough. Winters can shake the foundations upon which we have built our lives and can shatter everything we knew about ourselves and the world. When I was in the throes of my deepest winters, I found it very challenging to give myself permission to feel joy and happiness in the present, or to allow some excitement and optimism about the future in. There were many days when I wondered when I was going to feel better and if I was ever going to be myself again. That’s when I recalled the words of Albert Camus:

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

Survivor, you have come so far on your grieving and healing journey. Not only have you shown tremendous strength, courage, and love, but you have also shown that you have an indomitable spirit that that can overcome any of the obstacles in your path. Things will not always be easy. There will be bitterly cold days. There will be challenges. There will be times when we are traversing the harshest of winters. But remember that you have within you an invincible summer.

With the changing of the seasons as your guide, how can you open up to the summer within? How are you going to make this the summer of you? Here is some food for thought to get you started:

• How can you reconnect with and express your truest, most authentic self?
• What unique gifts, talents, and skills would you like to explore and cultivate?
• What core values would you like to honour and embody each and every day?
• What emotions would you like to experience and express?
• How can you use your strengths to start making peace with the past and/or peace with yourself?
• What will you start to let flow into your life to nurture and support you?
• What can do you do to bring you love, happiness, harmony, contentment, and joy, even in the heart of the harshest winter?

Maybe this summer is about going outside more, taking the time to draw, learning something new, or cultivating a quality in yourself that you have always admired. Remember that your actions don’t have to be big or complex to make a difference. If you are willing to let your heart lead the way, you will find that spark of inspiration that can help keep you moving toward wherever you want to go, regardless of the weather.

Unfolding for Beginners

There was a time in my life when I felt that I really knew who I was. I knew what I was passionate about, what brought me contentment and joy, and what was important to me. I knew how I felt about things, I knew what I disliked, and I knew where my limits were. Then, there came a time when I didn’t know who I was anymore.

Looking back, I see that, slowly but surely, I lost track of myself. At first, I bought into my abuser’s assertions that I needed to change certain things about myself in order to become the best person I could be. While many of the comments hurt, I loved him and found myself rationalizing why he would say such things. He isn’t trying to hurt my feelings. Why would someone who loves me do that? No, he is genuinely trying to help me a better person. He means well and is trying to help.

So I started folding. At first, it was small things, like going to the gym instead of the dance lessons that “deformed” my body. Holding back more in discussions about current events. Calling my family members less frequently. As time passed, the folds kept getting bigger and more pronounced. Soon, I found that I had folded myself so much that I didn’t recognize who I was anymore. Where was the person I used to be? Who was this fearful, timid, and shell of a person I had become? How would I ever find my way back and feel like myself again?

But I did find my way back. How did I do it? Slowly. Very slowly. But deliberately.

One day, I was reading a book and was stuck by a powerful statement:

“I don’t want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie.”

Rainer Marie Rilke’s statement called out to me like a trumpet’s blast. I was done with folding and being folded. I wanted to live the rest of my life as a crisp sheet of paper, bursting with authenticity. I decided that the first step of my journey would be taking time to get to know myself again.

Here are some questions that helped me get know the new me:

• What is most important to me? What are my top three values?
• What are my greatest strengths?
• What are the three accomplishments am I most proud of?
• What are my gifts?
• What brings me joy?
• What feeling do I want in my life?
• What do I need the most right now?
• What do I want to be more doing more of or saying “yes” to?
• What I do I want to be doing less of or saying “no” to?
• What boundaries must I set in order to stay true to myself?

What other questions might you ask to help yourself unfold? What other questions might help you embrace the amazing, wonderful person that you are?